Living into OUR Best Selves
Living into our Best Selves
“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
The word accountability typically implies a negative circumstance-something that is happening to us rather than our own ability to walk in our power. In “The Oz Principle” by Connors, Smith and Hickman, the authors define accountability as “a personal choice to rise above one’s circumstance and demonstrate the ownership necessary for achieving results.” They suggest that “it takes courage to acknowledge the reality of a difficult situation, and even the most heralded persons can fail to do so.” It’s human nature to sometimes fail to take accountability for our actions and in doing so we limit our potential for success. The authors believe that when we fail to be accountable for our own actions, we are typically engaging in six behaviors which they call “below the line” behaviors and will be discussed fully in this blog.
The first below the line behavior is to ignore or deny issues. Denial is a slippery slope as it doesn’t allow for any possibilities for making changes that will improve our lives. In fact, it closes a door. In “Before Happiness”, Shawn Anchor cautions us that if we “want to change our lives; we have to change our reality”. That means the things that we find extremely difficult to face are the very things we need to face. I often tell clients that the worst person to lie to is your self. Your brain has no way of knowing fact from fiction and if you tell a lie to yourself often enough, you truly start to believe it. Beginning with the less intense untruths is a solid place to start. When you know something to be true, you need to own it and then face it.
The next below the line behavior is to act as if something is not your job. In this circumstance a person stands back and refuses to help because they do not want to own a given situation. It is hard to become a trusted person when we back away from lending a hand. This is not saying that we should own something that is not ours-rather it fits more along the golden rule. David Moister in “The Trusted Advisor” states that there are four characteristics of trust; credibility, reliability, intimacy and other focus. It’s hard to live into these characteristics when we cannot step into a situation to help out when another person has a challenge.lllllll
The third below the line behavior is finger pointing which is basically blaming others for our circumstance. When we absolve ourselves of any connection to a result we lack any ability to change it. I had a friend who used to say “if the furniture isn’t in your house, you cannot move it”. Jack Canfield in “The Success Principles” advises us to take 100% responsibility for what we do. Sometimes it is difficult to see what is within our control when our lives are out of control. However, putting this principle to work requires that we only accept a part of what is happening in order to be able to change it. It is through owning what is ours that we are able to change it.
The fourth below the line behavior is to act confused or as if you do not know what to do. Sometimes we are actually confused about the next step. However, we can form a partnership with another person to learn more about what needs to be done and how we can play a role, albeit a small role, in accomplishing that action. Marshall Goldsmith in “MORO” shares that the best indicator of what someone will be doing tomorrow is what that person is doing today. Inertia keeps us in repeatable patterns. When we continue to repeat patterns that do not take us successfully into our future, these same patterns become our prisoners.
The fifth below the line behavior is cover your tail; document, document, document. When we get into this cycle we spend all of our time focusing on what we do not want to happen; confrontation from another and waste time needlessly. Instead we might consider how this behavior might impact us negatively. In this instance, documentation becomes an energy robber which drains us and does not align with what matters most. Aligning our choices with what matters most means that we have determined what has the highest value in our lives and requires that we are completely honest with ourselves about what behaviors lead us into our best selves and which do not. Taking the time to notice what energizes us and drains us is an essential step in ensuring that we are not robbing ourselves of energy.
The last below the line behavior is to adopt a “wait and see” attitude. Waiting and seeing can sometimes be necessary however when it becomes a form of avoidance the problem arises. When working with clients to take actions towards goals, the first step is to get “psyched up” about the change. In the book, “Chan geology” by Norcross, he guides us through the “psyched up” process. We need a strong “why” in order to proceed with a new behavior. If we are sitting on the sidelines, we may not have identified our “why”. Spending time with your own awareness of why you would want to move from your “wait and see” behavior to taking action may be essential to moving you from the sidelines.
The essence of this blog is that we all have choices in what we do and say. Recognizing when those choices take us away from our best self is the key. Changing those choices and choosing new behaviors will take us into our success.
To Your Success!
Dr. Peggy
